The value of emotional intelligence is well-known and well-researched (Mayer & Salovey, 1990; Goleman, 1995). Job performance, achievement of “success,” leadership performance, maturity, and well-being are all associated with higher levels of emotional intelligence.

What’s great about emotional intelligence is that it is a skill that can be learned.

You can become more emotionally intelligent.

What is Emotional Intelligence or EI?

Emotional intelligence is generally viewed in four parts:

• Self-awareness

• Self-management

• Social awareness

• Relationship management

Simply put, EI is about awareness and management of that awareness.

Learning emotional intelligence begins with developing self-awareness.

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to notice what is occurring internally in body and mind. This is about noticing how you are in a given moment. For convenience, let’s look at self-awareness in two parts: physical and mental.

Physical Self-Awareness (also called “Somatic Awareness”)

A few simple questions can prompt us to gain physical self-awareness. Try these on and see what you notice:

• How does it feel in your body?

• Are you hungry, full, in-between?

• Are you sore anywhere?

• What is your breathing like—fast, slow, shallow, deep?

• What are the varying temperatures in your body—in your feet, hands, or the top of your head?

• Is your body reacting to any emotions, feelings, or moods?

We can learn a lot from our bodies. Instead of a check-up from the neck up (as in, “what’s on your mind?”), try a check-in from the neck down and see what your body has to offer in terms of self-awareness.

Mental Awareness (also called “Cognitive Awareness”)

Let’s shift to noticing what is on your mind:

• What are your thoughts like right now?

• What is your self-talk like?

• What is your general mood?

• Are any emotions present?

• Are they positive, negative, or neutral?

• What else is present?

A helpful exercise is to describe your current mood or emotional state as a weather pattern.

Is your internal “weather pattern” blue skies on a summer day? Are there rain clouds overhead or in the distance? Perhaps a storm just blew through? What is your weather pattern right now?

Notice how states-of-mind are temporary, just like the weather.

Self-awareness allows us to identify our current weather pattern. That awareness allows us to move into the second area of emotional intelligence: self-management.

Self-Management

At the simplest level, self-management is acting on the question of “what is needed now?”

Here’s a simple example:

With somatic inquiry, we may notice that our feet are cold, so we put on a pair of socks. We may notice that we are too hot, so we move to the shade and fix a cold drink. We become aware of our needs and manage through action. A sore body may need stretching, while a stagnant body may need movement.

With emotions and moods, we may have to use a little more skill.

Using the weather pattern illustration, we can recognize when we are having a rainy day and properly manage it. “Yes, today is a rainy day for me.” Just like real rainy days, they are temporary. They also offer us the opportunity to slow down and relax. Rainy days can offer valuable introspection.

At other times, rainy days require us to gear up in order to stay dry. We wear rain jackets, use umbrellas, and drive more carefully. Our rain jacket may be self-compassion and self-kindness. Our umbrella may be non-judgment and positive self-talk. Driving carefully may be plotting out a path for the day that does not include hardships or obstacles where we may need to break quickly.

The whole point of becoming self-aware is to know what is occurring in us so that we can understand and take appropriate action. Awareness, understanding, management.

Externally Focused Emotional Intelligence

The second part of EI is exactly the same as the first part, except it has to do with us in group settings.

We use self-awareness in the context of a group:

• How am I in this group dynamic?

• How does my body feel?

• What knowledge does that bring?

• Where is my mind, my thoughts, my emotions?

• How do I want to be in this moment?

Again, this is using the tools of self-awareness and self-management in the context of relationships with others.

E.I. in Group Settings

Over time, with intentional inquiry, we begin to notice how we are in groups. We learn which groups make us feel certain ways. We learn more about personalities. We learn about parts of us that seem to act automatically in particular group settings. We may overact, or withdraw. We may feel excited, afraid, or neutral.

Bringing self-awareness into your group encounters is a game-changer, for you can begin to understand and manage what is needed here and now.

For Extroverts

Some of us are extremely comfortable in group settings, thriving off the conversations and time with other people. If that’s the case, then we can recognize that as both a strength and a need. We may need to find opportunities for social engagement and relationship building.

To improve our relationship management, we can identify other extroverts and introverts. Extroverts can go back and forth with us for a while, both of us trading stories and thoughts.

With introverts, we can offer them a few questions or opportunities for conversations—add to the group dynamic.

As extroverts, we need to become aware of and self-manage the impulse and habit of controlling conversation and attention. Read the group and find the balance. A skilled extrovert can make the day for an introvert in a social engagement.

Remember the give and take: if you’re talking too much, look for those who are talking less and see if you can engage them in conversation.

For Introverts

For those of us who notice that social engagements and relationship management seem to drain our energy, we can prepare in advance. We can schedule a little alone time before or after social activities to prepare and decompress, managing ourselves.

During social engagements, introverts have a tendency to become overly concerned about how the social engagement is working. The internal analysis of our conversation can become its own obstacle.

Self-awareness and self-management of internal judgements are highly powerful tools for introverts to use. Be kind to yourself, offer questions to others, and find common ground.

When you know your default feelings and reactions to people, places, events, and groups, you can better prepare for and anticipate what may show up for you.

Introverts need to find pockets of “in-between” or moments of rest while in conversation to take a breath and feel grounded in the moment.

Introverts often like “big” talk versus “small” talk, but perhaps they can recognize the value in exchanging various levels of talk over time, developing deeper connections and friendships.

Hone your skills, extroverts asking more questions, introverts being willing to be in the spotlight a little bit more and sharing a story or two.

Advanced Practice

Learning Your Edges and “Cautionary Areas”

Remember mood rings? You put them on your finger, they change color, and you match the color to a chart that tells your mood. What if we had a mood ring that actually worked?

Would you believe me if I told you that you already have a signal system built into your body and with self-awareness and social awareness, you can begin to use this knowledge to your advantage?

With practice, you can determine when strong emotions, such as anger, fear, and anxiety, are most likely to show up for you.

Think about it.

• Are there times of day when you naturally default to strong emotions? Is it during a morning rush or around dinner time? Is it in the evening?

• Are there certain people, places, or topics that make your alert system begin to signal warnings, such as increased heart rate, changes in your breathing, or clenched fists?

• When are your “cautionary areas” throughout the day?

• What are your “cautionary topics?”

When you can prepare for these cautionary areas, you are more self-managed, more relationship-managed, and more emotionally intelligent.

Of equal value is the opposite spectrum of positive emotion.

• What times of day do you feel happy, joyous, or free?

• What people, places, and events bring up these positive states?

• Can you notice when they are occurring?

• Can you enjoy them when they are?

Often we use emotional intelligence as a catch phrase for people better noticing when they’ve lost themselves to strong emotions, typically like anger, or worse, rage. But emotions are a full spectrum, and we can use the system of awareness and management to mature, develop, and grow even further.

One of the best kept secrets today is that:

1. You can increase your emotional intelligence, and

2. You can use that awareness to have a tremendous impact on your life and the lives of those around you.

If you’re looking to develop your emotional intelligence, one-to-one coaching can greatly support your growth in this area.